It is bedtime. I am cuddling with my then 3 year old, Benji. He hugs me and bursts into chatter:
"Mama, I love this! I love this world. Did you know that God has the whole world in his hands?"
I lie there, nearly speechless, completely unprepared for how this hits me. Afterall, I've been barreling through my lists of the day, running errands, figuring out dinner, and getting brother Zach to and from preschool. Now that dinner, bathtime and reading are done, I'm done. But this precious moment wakes my heart and my soul. There is such perfect innocence, happiness and hope in these words that I now feel I am the one bursting; the love and happiness of just being part of life have him glowing and it is contagious. I have to catch my breath before affirming for him that this world IS so amazing, that he is amazing, and that yes, God is part of it all.
I was reminded of this conversation with Benji because for this past Christmas, I created photo books for all the grandparents. The books contain pictures I wasn't sure we'd ever shared. In addition, I added conversations and 'quotes' I had written down over the past several years. Don't get the wrong idea—these things aren't neatly catalogued in a baby book or scrap book or even organized well on our computer. But it was time to find the scratch pieces of paper with my scribbles, find what I could in our saved photo files, and get some of this shared with our families. As I looked through photos, reliving special times had me in tears on occasion, but it brought to me an even stronger resolve to start looking for the 'small stuff' that helps offset all of the 'big stuff'. Ah, my balance.
I know at this time I am not alone in feeling the pressures of work, finances, and worst of all the uncertainty that seems so prevalent in our day to day lives. It is the uncertainty that drives the frustration and the pressure. I have to admit that for me, the pressure is fairly constant. We are self employed and Scott supplements with work at Keystone restaurants. Like nearly everyone we know, we are 'consistently' changing things in our life to try and keep up with the 'consistent' uncertainty. As I am trying to really stay on target with my 2011 resolutions, this has been the week of untangling every last piece of mail, paperwork, correspondence…much of which I allowed to pile up on my desk while the boys were home for their break. So every detail of those 'consistent' worries is in the forefront of my mind. Scott as applied for a new job, a process which literally started back in mid-November and continues to 'evolve' but with no decision. So to plan anything—whether it is related to other work, volunteering, school-- or even a little fun—is impossible because we literally do not know what our schedule might be in the next day, week, or the next month.
I've heard it before from many of those wise ones around me: "What can you do about it at this moment? It is either: there is
something you can do (so get off your scared butt and do it), or there is nothing you can do (so accept it and tell yourself that it is not in your control).''
Wow that is hard to actually DO. I pray for the help, visualize the help, believe in the help—trying save the all of that wasted energy, stress, anxiety, and breath.
But with this new resolve, it's beginning to be a little easier because I can see that I may need that energy or that breath in the next moment, hour, or day, when something so innocent, simple and matter-of-fact hits me. I might catch my breath because of the 'small stuff'. It could be something my boys say. Sometimes it is the beauty in the scenery of my day and sometimes it is just a big belly laugh. It doesn't matter how it happens, I am just so thankful for the moment I notice myself in a pause, and acknowledge that something else has captured my attention. It isn't worries, work, or finances. It's none of that 'big stuff'. And even though afterward things aren't any more predictable, something shifts in my balance.
Thanks for listening.
